At age 45 and divorced twice, I thought I was pretty worldly. The last word I would use to describe myself  would have been naive. That is until I ventured into the realm of Internet dating. Actually I was new to using the computer at all, so my work was really cut out for me.
   My first fauxpas on the Internet was learning to watch my words carefully. Having an interest in Native American artifacts, I typed the phrase Indian fetishes into the search field. Wow. Don't do that unless you want to see how much some people in India really love their camels.
   After swatting down pop-ups of every fetish imaginable for over twenty minutes, i noticed a very enticing ad. i was the 1000th visitor to a site that I hadn't even visited. Talk about great luck! And they were offering only me a free membership to a hot new dating site. FREE ! NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED ! So, to make a longer story shorter, after fishing out my credit card and paying only $19.95 for this amazing free offer, I was on my way to finding true love via the Internet.
   I was so amazed at all of the cool profiles. And in all the pictures the women looked so nice. There were women older than me who looked like they were in their 20's. They even had clothes on that looked like they were taken in the 1970 and '80's. And they were all so nice and slim. Most of them were divorced from abusive and controlling ex husbands  and looking for Mr. right. I sifted through the profiles and out of the "hundreds of women in my area dying to meet me" I found three that were in my age range and not too demanding. I wrote to them and waited.
   When i got home from work I had 3 messages. None were from ones who i had written to. One was from a 27 year old. I wrote back to her that i had a daughter her age, but thanks for the compliment. Was she ever a fast typer. No sooner than I hit the send key, she had responded with a four paragraph letter telling me all about herself. And how she liked me so much that she would share private naughty pics of herself with only me. I only had to visit her website ! And guess what ? NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED. I figured I better pass on that lest she get my other $19.95 that had to last me 'til payday.
   The next letter was from a very nice lady who lived about 60 miles from me. She didn't have a picture posted but she said she could email me one from her sister's computer. We emailed back and forth a few days. After the third day of talking she sent me a picture. She didn't want to post it on her profile because she wanted someone to choose her for herself, not her looks. That's nice.
   It was a nice picture and I couldn't wait to meet her. In the picture she looked like one of my favorite actresses, Patricia Heaton ( from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND). I figured I better set up a date soon before this one got away. She was also anxious to meet me, so we decided to meet that weekend in her town. She told me about a little out of the way diner that had good food and the date was on.
   I pulled into the diner's parking lot about 20 minutes early. I didn't see any cars that matched the description of hers. We had arranged to meet at 7:00 p.m. By 7:10, I was beginning to wonder if I had driven 60 miles for nothing.That's when a car pulled in next to me that was like hers. Only it couldn't have been her. The woman looking out at me from the drivers seat looked like Mimi Bobeck ( from THE DREW CAREY SHOW ), not Patricia Heaton. It took a minute to sink in that this was my date. After looking over at her for the third time and she was still looking at me and grinning, I knew it had to be her. Things went through my mind that shouldn't have. Had I given her a description of my car ? yep. And she had my phone number. And she had seen my pictures. Recent pictures at that. That's when it started dawning on me that I had been so naive. It all started swirling around in my mind trying to sort itself out : profiles, old pictures, people making themselves sound good, old pictures, petite, really old pictures...
   But I was here and I am not a coward. I would see this date through. I was mentally putting the car in reverse when she stepped out of hers. Oh my gosh. Did i actually hear her car let out a huge sigh of relief when she got out of it. I thought that maybe it still wasn't too late. I could throw it in reverse now and get out of there. If she called, I had caller ID. The worst she could do is send me a nasty email. I could delete it without even reading it. OK, I was a coward. Whatever my mind was thinking, my feet were standing me up and walking me toward her. No way out now without looking like a jerk.
   We sat down at a table. I was so ashamed of what I had been thinking that I had a hard time making eye contact. after about fifteen minutes of small talk, I mentioned the picture that she had emailed me. I said "that is a nice dress you are wearing. I like the one you were wearing in the picture, too." She said "which dress did I have on in the picture?". When I described it, she replied " Oh, that picture. The computer sent the wrong picture. It always does that. That's a picture of my cousin." 
    She asked if I wanted to go to a movie or just sit and have coffee after we ate. I had to think fast. Our meals would arrive soon. I excused myself to go to the men's room. I looked in the mirror and said "okay it's just a few hours. what have you got better to do ?" . "duh....get back on the computer and try again." "Look, she is a nice person. Stop being so superficial. Where has that gotten you ?" "OK, I'll just be nice. Besides I already checked and I can't fit out of this bathroom window." 
    That's when desperation took over. I went into a stall and called my daughter from my cell phone. I told her to call me in 20 minutes and tell me there is an emergency and I need to get home right away.
    I went back out and sat down. when we were about done eating  I asked if she had a particular movie in mind that she would like to see. I was floored when she said "I was thinking while you were in the mens room that, you know, you really just aren't my type. No offense, but I like my guys a little more fit.  I wanted to tell you when I first seen you but you drove so far and I didn't want to be mean. And you really should post a picture with your whole body on it, not just your face. That's usually a dead give away that the guy is fat."
   Just then the phone rang. I guess I didn't need the escape clause that time after all.