This weekend I had a mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand, I had three of my friends really step it up and be there for me when I really needed it.  It isn’t that I EVER thought badly of said friends, or I didn’t think they would have my back, but they came through in just the right way.  They didn’t make  huge deal about it, they just helped me get out of a situation and just were there to help me out.  That was an awesome feeling.  It wasn’t a huge gesture, but it meant the world to me.  Like I’ve said before it is ALL about the little things with me.  And no, it wasn’t just those three friends that kicked ass this weekend, it is just those three were stand outs.  Had those three not been there, I’m not sure what I would have said or done, but it would have been ugly. 

Then I had the opposite.  I was disappointed by a few people too.  This really sucks because these are friends I really want to trust, but I can’t seem to make that full commitment.  These are people who say one thing, but I find out there are really still pursuing  that ambition behind my back. They tell me they are sorry for doing something, only to do it again less than twelve hours later…right in front of me.  They do things that unless they are totally clueless or self absorbed know are going to hurt my feelings.  These people tend to fall into two categories:  People who treat me like I am invisible and people who only want me around because they need something from me.  This Saturday, I officially hit my breaking point.  No pun intended there…but I am done.  The bad thing is I don’t know what to do about it.  Part of me wants to yell.  Part of me wants let my inner bitch verbally eviscerate a few people.  The other part of me doesn’t want to go that route.  I know that it may hurt some people’s feelings.  I know that in some cases it will not do me any good.  Part of me just wants to do what I always do and just take the bad stuff and make a character or two…or seven, and let it go.  It just makes me sad that people who are supposed to be my friends keep reinforcing all the things I hate about me…and I’m not sure how to make it stop. 

I guess all I can say are things I have said time and time again.  Do not make promises you never have any intention of keeping.  Do not apologize for something you are going to do again if given the chance.  It just makes it hurt more.  I get that my friend is a more attractive offer.  I’m not excepting you to be interested in me.  However, that does not give you permission to treat me badly or like I do not exist…or only want to talk to me to find out how to get with her.  PAY ATTENTION.  In my mind obliviousness is a weakness.  It is a weakness I have and I work hard on overcoming.  If something happens right in front of you…literally, no one should have to re-explain it to you.  If someone has cherished your friendship enough to be honest with you, be aware of what they have told you.  Use common sense from time to time.  Lies by omission can be just as devastating as bold faced lies.  Yes, what is going to make you happy may have negative effects on other people.  NO, you shouldn’t let it ruin your happiness, but be aware and respectful of the other person. 

In the end, the offending parties will probably never read this…but really this is more for me than anyone else…I need to think things out before I take another step. 

So for now I am going to treasure the AWESOME friendships I know I have. You guys ROCK and I can’t imagine my life without you!  You are the ones who remember the little things, remember to call me when you want to hang out, and even if I do not get to see you often, I know would be there for me in a heart beat.    I’ll also hope that by the time my cuts on my feet heal from the broken beer glass, I will either forget or figure out how to deal with the disappointments I’m facing.