For Any Woman in an Abusive Relationship--I hope this helps!!!
- By Janet McCormick
- Published 03/28/2008
Janet McCormick
As a mother, chef, business owner and author of "10-minute meals", I have something to say. I feel like I've lived several lives though I'm a young 41-year-old. A checkered past is an understatement when describing my experiences. To say the least, I've gained some insight along the way. I crawled out of an abusive relationship with a famous song writer. I started a catering business, opened a small cafe and wrote a cookbook. ultimatebreadpudding.com 10-minutemeals.com
I had someone recently ask me about my marriage that I escaped. I e-mailed her this letter. I hope it helps anyone who may be experiencing a similar situation. I do not advocate divorce in any way. However, sometimes it is necessary to separate yourself for a time and if must be--divorce.
I escaped
( literally) with the hopes that my husband would come to his senses . I would have followed through with a divorce because he never did change. He was diagnosed with cancer and eventually died within 18 months of me leaving. When he was diagnosed I was with him. I actually believed he might humble himself and maybe see me differently. He actually got angrier all the way to the end. Even when he was sick with a trachea tube, he was threatening to kill me. Here is the letter:
Hello,
There are pastors that suggest separating for reasons of abuse. However, not every situation is the same. When I say that it was very necessary that I submit to my husband--my accuser and abuser, for me I had to obey God no matter what seemed right or wrong. Personally, I was so heart broken when Debi--my pastor's wife told me to submit to him. How could she expect me to go back to a man that was a tyrant and hit me whenever he felt like it. I so admired their whole ministry. I wanted a life just like theirs. But I picked him. Lessons aren't learned very well if it isn't a little painful. Looking back, things are much more clear to me. While I went through the whole mess, I absolutely did not know why I had to endure it other than--I picked him. Of course, my husband was extremely charming, attentive, and wonderful when we dated. But I knew God during that time and I did not trust His subtle warnings. God will let you chose for yourself if you insist. Once I realized what I married, I fell on my knees before God and begged for his direction. I had made such a mess with my choice I knew I no longer could direct my own life. This was three months into my marriage. I had eight more years to prove to God that I would seek him on EVERYTHING.....By the time I counseled with Debi, I thought I had had enough. I thought God was going to release me. Another year and half passed when my husband agreed to meet with a pastor he chose. I sat under this pastor for about a year. While I believe he preached the word, I felt he would tell me that I made my bed and I needed to lie in it. So there we were. We all sat on the couch in my big, beautiful home. The pastor looked at my husband and said, "I don't want to hear anymore about you." He looked at me and said, "I want to know why you think you have to put up with this." He said, "Do you think this is your cross to bear?" I said yes. He said, "Unless and until you decide that you don't have to put up with this, your husband will never change." I burst into tears. He said that God did not give nor expect us to live with a spirit of oppression and confusion and abuse. He called us to peace. This pastor did not advocate divorce at all. He simply said that I did not have to suffer abuse nor did I have to live in turmoil. I am only telling you what he said. I don't know your daughters situation. I would certainly caution anyone telling her she didn't have to put up with whatever a spouse is dishing out. I read a response that Debi wrote and she is right. Divorce hurts everyone involved not just the adults. I did not take what the pastor said lightly. I didn't run with his words and decide yay, it's freedom time. As a matter of fact, I was so beaten down that simple decisions that I should have been able to make for myself, I had to take to this pastor. I was so afraid I might do something to offend my Father in Heaven, I simply didn't trust myself at all. He told me that I needed to draw a few lines. One, my husband needed to get rid of an apartment he had in Nashville--his love nest. Second, no more abuse. Third, well it didn't matter what stipulations I tried to lay down, my husband ignored them. He had no respect for me. I didn't matter to him. We were counseled in August. I gave husband til the end of the year to get rid of the apartment. Mid January he was not any different. One night, in an attempt to try to interest him intimately, he of course refused me. He smugly folded his hands behind his head and leaned back as he sputtered something to the effect, "You need to expect nothing from me and then you won't ever be disappointed." Those words played over and over in my mind. The next morning I called our pastor and he said, "Sister, janet He will never change unless you require him to
do so." He is making the choice. February I left for Ohio with my two boys. I packed whatever I could in my car and left it all behind. My husband was a successful song writer. We had a half a million dollar estate. He promised me that I would live in a trailer without our children. He said he would use every bit of His money to fight me for the kids. He said alot of things and not ONE thing he said ever came true. I had hoped he would come to his senses and realize what he was losing. He only became angrier. It was time for God to deal with him. I was only in the way. I, as well as, our children needed some peace. I didn't go back to my husband because he never would straighten up. He eventually died. I waited but he got worse in his behaviour--even after he was diagnosed with cancer. I thought his declining energy level at least would slow him down with the insults and threats. But it didn't. I believe that if my husband had yielded to God during our time of separation, he would still be here today. He went a little crazy instead. He tried to control me even worse when I left. He threatened to kill me and the kids. He called all hours of the night. He was a mess.
During that traumatic time, I felt as if I was one with God. He showed me dreams that were unbelievable. Fortunately, when they came true I reminded my husband. He was amazed because God did warn him. When God lead me out of Egypt, that's when the miracles started. I have told everyone about the miracles. They're too numerous to mention right now-- but amazing nonetheless.
I did need to go back and submit when Debi said I should. That advise was more about obedience for me. Not my will but His. God was not interested in my happiness, He was interested in my holiness. The apostle Paul suffered a thorn in his side. Many have speculated as to what that was. I have my own theories. John the revelator wrote Revelations after he was boiled in oil. I often in humor refer to that scenario to bring home the point that it takes pain and sometimes suffering to really know God. It doesn't have to. It's an individual thing. God knew what he needed to allow me to go through in order to get my attention. Again, things are much more clear to me now. I wondered why I couldn't have a life like the Pearls. I asked God that. Why couldn't I marry someone perfect who valued women and loved his children like they do. I'm sure I could have. I just chose a different path. But God in his merciful way still had his hand on me through it all even when I didn't do what was right. He revealed one more thing. How can I minister to women in similar situations if I never experienced it. Paul killed christians. I think we can agree he was not an ideal candidate to preach about sin if he was Chief of sinners. But God thought He was ideal. I think I know why. Maybe God thought we as sinners might find it hard to relate to someone who was perfect and lived a perfect life and never made bad choices. The Pearls offer something I still want to strive for. The truth is the truth no matter who delivers it. But I'm glad that we have examples like Paul and David and Peter whom God chose.
I hope this helps. Your daughter needs to seek God with all her heart and all her might for answers. Is she contributing to the problems? Tell her to straighten that out if she is. A wife can win over her husband. Being abused for any reason should never be tolerated. But I have seen women deliberately provoke men in order to play the victim. If this is not the case, she needs to pray for divine intervention and prepare for an escape.
janet
I re-read your e-mail. There was another revelation I came to After I left. I could not make my husband love me. I could not make him treat me right. I could not make him obey the word of God. My husband used the bible to keep me in line. I could only control me. Prayer can and does change people and that is our duty as a wife to do. Again, no one could have loved more, prayed more, wished more, hoped more than I did for my husband. He just simply did not love me or respect me. I was obedient in all that was required of me. I yielded to the Holy Spirit. Your daughter needs to do the same thing. I believe in this: Human Effort/Divine Intervention. When the children of Israel were suffering at the hands of the Egyptians, Israel cried out. Did the Egyptians miraculously stop their tyrant ways? NO. The Israelites continued to pray. Eventually, they were instructed to leave. Divine Intervention--God made a way for them to safely leave. Human effort--they had to move their feet to get out. If her husband does not change and he continues the affairs and abuse, it will be him that decides to not make this marriage work. Unfortunately, human nature exercises their own will. I did not want to leave. I was so ashamed. I would have done anything if he would have just changed.
Hello,
There are pastors that suggest separating for reasons of abuse. However, not every situation is the same. When I say that it was very necessary that I submit to my husband--my accuser and abuser, for me I had to obey God no matter what seemed right or wrong. Personally, I was so heart broken when Debi--my pastor's wife told me to submit to him. How could she expect me to go back to a man that was a tyrant and hit me whenever he felt like it. I so admired their whole ministry. I wanted a life just like theirs. But I picked him. Lessons aren't learned very well if it isn't a little painful. Looking back, things are much more clear to me. While I went through the whole mess, I absolutely did not know why I had to endure it other than--I picked him. Of course, my husband was extremely charming, attentive, and wonderful when we dated. But I knew God during that time and I did not trust His subtle warnings. God will let you chose for yourself if you insist. Once I realized what I married, I fell on my knees before God and begged for his direction. I had made such a mess with my choice I knew I no longer could direct my own life. This was three months into my marriage. I had eight more years to prove to God that I would seek him on EVERYTHING.....By the time I counseled with Debi, I thought I had had enough. I thought God was going to release me. Another year and half passed when my husband agreed to meet with a pastor he chose. I sat under this pastor for about a year. While I believe he preached the word, I felt he would tell me that I made my bed and I needed to lie in it. So there we were. We all sat on the couch in my big, beautiful home. The pastor looked at my husband and said, "I don't want to hear anymore about you." He looked at me and said, "I want to know why you think you have to put up with this." He said, "Do you think this is your cross to bear?" I said yes. He said, "Unless and until you decide that you don't have to put up with this, your husband will never change." I burst into tears. He said that God did not give nor expect us to live with a spirit of oppression and confusion and abuse. He called us to peace. This pastor did not advocate divorce at all. He simply said that I did not have to suffer abuse nor did I have to live in turmoil. I am only telling you what he said. I don't know your daughters situation. I would certainly caution anyone telling her she didn't have to put up with whatever a spouse is dishing out. I read a response that Debi wrote and she is right. Divorce hurts everyone involved not just the adults. I did not take what the pastor said lightly. I didn't run with his words and decide yay, it's freedom time. As a matter of fact, I was so beaten down that simple decisions that I should have been able to make for myself, I had to take to this pastor. I was so afraid I might do something to offend my Father in Heaven, I simply didn't trust myself at all. He told me that I needed to draw a few lines. One, my husband needed to get rid of an apartment he had in Nashville--his love nest. Second, no more abuse. Third, well it didn't matter what stipulations I tried to lay down, my husband ignored them. He had no respect for me. I didn't matter to him. We were counseled in August. I gave husband til the end of the year to get rid of the apartment. Mid January he was not any different. One night, in an attempt to try to interest him intimately, he of course refused me. He smugly folded his hands behind his head and leaned back as he sputtered something to the effect, "You need to expect nothing from me and then you won't ever be disappointed." Those words played over and over in my mind. The next morning I called our pastor and he said, "Sister, janet He will never change unless you require him to
During that traumatic time, I felt as if I was one with God. He showed me dreams that were unbelievable. Fortunately, when they came true I reminded my husband. He was amazed because God did warn him. When God lead me out of Egypt, that's when the miracles started. I have told everyone about the miracles. They're too numerous to mention right now-- but amazing nonetheless.
I did need to go back and submit when Debi said I should. That advise was more about obedience for me. Not my will but His. God was not interested in my happiness, He was interested in my holiness. The apostle Paul suffered a thorn in his side. Many have speculated as to what that was. I have my own theories. John the revelator wrote Revelations after he was boiled in oil. I often in humor refer to that scenario to bring home the point that it takes pain and sometimes suffering to really know God. It doesn't have to. It's an individual thing. God knew what he needed to allow me to go through in order to get my attention. Again, things are much more clear to me now. I wondered why I couldn't have a life like the Pearls. I asked God that. Why couldn't I marry someone perfect who valued women and loved his children like they do. I'm sure I could have. I just chose a different path. But God in his merciful way still had his hand on me through it all even when I didn't do what was right. He revealed one more thing. How can I minister to women in similar situations if I never experienced it. Paul killed christians. I think we can agree he was not an ideal candidate to preach about sin if he was Chief of sinners. But God thought He was ideal. I think I know why. Maybe God thought we as sinners might find it hard to relate to someone who was perfect and lived a perfect life and never made bad choices. The Pearls offer something I still want to strive for. The truth is the truth no matter who delivers it. But I'm glad that we have examples like Paul and David and Peter whom God chose.
I hope this helps. Your daughter needs to seek God with all her heart and all her might for answers. Is she contributing to the problems? Tell her to straighten that out if she is. A wife can win over her husband. Being abused for any reason should never be tolerated. But I have seen women deliberately provoke men in order to play the victim. If this is not the case, she needs to pray for divine intervention and prepare for an escape.
janet
I re-read your e-mail. There was another revelation I came to After I left. I could not make my husband love me. I could not make him treat me right. I could not make him obey the word of God. My husband used the bible to keep me in line. I could only control me. Prayer can and does change people and that is our duty as a wife to do. Again, no one could have loved more, prayed more, wished more, hoped more than I did for my husband. He just simply did not love me or respect me. I was obedient in all that was required of me. I yielded to the Holy Spirit. Your daughter needs to do the same thing. I believe in this: Human Effort/Divine Intervention. When the children of Israel were suffering at the hands of the Egyptians, Israel cried out. Did the Egyptians miraculously stop their tyrant ways? NO. The Israelites continued to pray. Eventually, they were instructed to leave. Divine Intervention--God made a way for them to safely leave. Human effort--they had to move their feet to get out. If her husband does not change and he continues the affairs and abuse, it will be him that decides to not make this marriage work. Unfortunately, human nature exercises their own will. I did not want to leave. I was so ashamed. I would have done anything if he would have just changed.
