It was Monday night at 10:37pm when I wrote this.

     I have been in bed since 7:30pm due to an extremely bad migraine. It was so bad that it made me dizzy and nauseous. I had to go lay down in a dark quiet room with a damp clothe over my face. It's still not gone completely and I already took two excedrin migraine medicine and that just made it ten times worse. So as you can tell not having a very good night. It just got worse because my boyfriend of 1 year and almost 11 months just broke up with me through a frigging text message at that.

     We have been having some problems over the last few months all thanks to some stupid ass lie. Frigging people starting bullshit rumors. I thought we were going to try and work things out, but I guess not now. Which really frigging sucks! He got pissed because I went to the public library to get online and do my work. He thought I was there talking to someone, which I wasn't and haven't been. I just wish he would trust, believe me and mostly believe in me..

     Now I'm lost, depressed, hurt and lonley. What a hell of a Christmas this is going to be. This truly has bee one of the worst years in my life. I have lost just about everything that truly matters to me. Please God, tell me next year is finally going to be better and my year. I really don't think I can handle much more bad shit happening to me. If you want to know all tha major bad shit just read the blog I wrote called "The 12 Shitty Things That Happened This Year."

     Where do I go from here? I mean it's not like I'm 19 or even 23 anymore. I have never been into the whole dating thing anyway and it isn't very easy the older you get and when your a mother of two. NO, I'm not looking or even thinking of looking to get into anything just yet if ever again. It's just as scary to think that I may end up alone forever..

     My boyfriend sorry ex now is very special to me and I love him very much. Right up until a few months ago we hardly ever faught. I know we have had out differences and that there were some things we didn't really like about each other, but we also had more good times than bad. We have been through a lot together. Like our camping trips to the White Mountains, cuddling watching a movie, those dinners together and falling asleep next to one another. We have shared special things together. It truly feels like it has been a lot longer than 1 year and 11 months.

     I know that this is and was my fault in a lot of ways, but it was mainly due to people interferring in my life and making up bullshit stories. He was too blame too because he would never open up and really let me in. He is always so guarded. See he's been married three times already, well actually twice because he married the second one twice and I have never been married so there lies one problem. He says he never wants to do it again and I want to get married. Then there is the major fact that even after a year he still did not or could not say "I love you". He said that just because he didn't or doesn't say it doesn't mean he didn't. Well technically yes it does because if you can't say it then you don't feel it and plus people need to hear it sometimes. Now this wasn't the first time we have been together. We were together for nine months a few years ago too. We actually lived together then and he was saying "I love you" then.. Isn't that weird? After a year he still doesn't say it and don't want to live together until after my son is 18.. That's fucked up!!

     Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off, but how do they know? How do you tell yourself and mostly your heart that? I seriously don't know anymore about how I feel. I'm so confused! I believed that me and him were meant to be together and I think I still do. I honestly thought he was going to be my last boyfriend. Now I'm sitting here crying not knowing what to do, think or believe.. It's amazing how in the matter of minutes your whole life and world can come crashing down around you or in some cases ontop of you.

     Alone again at 34, how depressing and scary. You get use to certain things when your in a relationship and then the minute it ends you have to reprogram yourself to being single. It isn't fun! To be honest, it down right SUCKS ASS!!

     If anyone has any advice or comments (that aren't rude or cruel) I sure would appreciate the feedback.