Dec 11, 2008: Faced with an ever-deepening financial crisis, theNYSE Composite at an all-time record low of 9½, and Standard & Poor’s renaming themselves Poor’s & Poorer’s, Ben Bernanke, Chairman the Federal Reserve, yesterday put the United States of America up for auction on eBay.

“These are drastic times,” he stated by carrier pigeon from his fortified bunker in a remote part of Outer Mongolia, “and drastic times call for drastic, transparent, accountable, Joe six-pack, drastic you betcha, drastic measures to make sure that these drastic times never happen again, at least until after Chanukah.”

Mr. Bernanke expressed delight at the “overwhealming and reassuring” high volume of 9 bids in the first 24 hours. George W. Bush from his fortified bunker in a remote part of Crawford, Texas, stated, “This is um ah proof positive that the ummm underlying um surges of the um American econ, econ, economy are um drilling offshore, and wiinning the war in Iraq.”

The People’s Republic of China bought the US economy anonymously for $1. The low (but not unexpected) bid was justified in a statement, enclosed in a bottle of baby formula, stating, “We own it already.”

CNN, with the exception of Lou Dobbs, was bought by O. b. Laden (Hindu Kush) Productions Inc. and will become a 24/7 info commercial for HeadOn and Ditech.com.

O.J. Simpson was acquired by Hugo Chavez.

WeightWatchers successfully bid for McDonalds. A company spokesman stated that this was part “of a strategic push to grow our market share.” WeightWatchers now plans to be a “get fat, get slim, get fat, get slim, get fat, get slim” one-stop.

George W. Bush failed to reach the reserve price of $2.75, and was withdrawn.

Vladimir Putin bought Sarah Palin. She will be installed in a Dacha on the Gvozdev Islands, where she will be trained to say, on Russian prime time, “If I stand tippy-toe on the toilet paper holder in my bathroom, I can see Alaska.”

The US atomic arsenal went to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who vowed to use it to generate electricity in Tehran in order that the city’s teenagers can finally enjoy Grand Theft Auto IV.

Manhattan was not sold, because it is not part of the United States.

The White House went to the Emirate of Dubai. It will be reconstructed on a man-made island, visible from the constellation of Andromeda, in the shape of a clenched fist with the middle finger extended. It will become a museum dedicated to the life and times of Osama bin Laden, complete with his gold-plated Hummer, and first camcorder.

The rights to “Gone With The Wind” were acquired by Pepto Bismol.

So far, the auction has raised $45.75 Old Dollars (00045 cents New Dollars). The sale continues.

(Now. Here’s an idea that’ll make you rush for the barf bags. If you have any great off-the-wall, serious, or crazy additions to the above list of US items suitable for auction on eBay, send to me them here on PrintnPost, or awaille@hotmail.com and I’ll re-publish the whole article, with your credits. I (and the world) am especially keen to have your thoughts pertaining to Polar Bears, Lou Dobbs, cherry-flavored condoms, Microsoft Vista, and those two tap-dancing rascals, the US presidential candidates.

Or, why not, ideas about the sale of your own country on eBay. For instance, England, France, Australia and Venezuela boggle the mind. Canada, of course,is a no-starter.

Or simply blog for yourself on, tra-la-la, PrintnPost.

Hey. What if we auctioned PrintnPost on eBay???

And the polar bears swim on.