Dec 11, 2008: Share prices were sharply lower across the board on fears that the fifth $700 billion bailout package this week would not be enough to prevent the US economy from going the way of Enron.

At a press conference today at Carmine’s Seafood Restaurant in the Bronx, the Treasury Secretary, Robert Mugabe, formally presented the new US Million Dollar banknote, which will replace the long-worthless One Dollar bill. The presidential portrait is that of George W. Bush disguised as Pinocchio. The note is printed on ultra-soft bathroom tissue, not only to symbolize the state of the US economy, but also to encourage multi-tasking.

From the eighteenth hole at Pebble Beach, Republican and Democrat lawmakers issued a bipartisan statement: “Yesterday, this nation of ours was standing on the edge of a black hole. Today, this banknote represents a giant step forward.”

Nancy Pelosi expressed regret that the banknote was not transparent and accountable, but that it would reassure the American taxpayer that something or other- whatever- would never happen again, until this time next week.

The historic event was somewhat overshadowed by Labor Department figures showing that US employers had axed 129 million jobs last month, representing the highest job loss since the late Triassic period.

Sarah Palin, in turning-the-page mode, twinkled, “Well now, all you six-pack Joes out there, you know, may be on the Dole, or should I say, the Obama, but with this purty new banknote, why, you betcha you’all’s millionaires now.”

Wal-Mart started selling, at the Everyday Low Price ofeleven million dollars and thirty-two cents, a Chinese-made Melamine handcart, 3ft. by 4ft, based on a Weimar German design from the 1930s, large enough to hold enough of the new banknotes to buy a pint of milk.

The New York Times announced it would adopt a horizontal format in order to have enough space in which to print the price.

The Dubai developer Nakheel, builder of the famous man-made islands in the shape of a palm tree, visible from outer space, today offered to ease the plight of the US economy by paying $35,90 including handling and postage, for Ms. Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere, not even visible from Ketchikanon. They plan to present it to Osama bin Laden on his birthday.

In other news, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill into law ordering the State of California to cast off, and to set sail for Japan.