Due to the unexpected retirement of several highly respected CEOs, Wall Street is urgently looking for replacements.

Qualifications:

He must not be a woman.

He should be able to think in terms of billions of dollars, especially in relation to his salary, severance package, and corporate losses.

He must be capable of staying the course, in particular Augusta, Sawgrass, and Pebble Beach.

Education a disadvantage.

Should be dignified, even when wearing handcuffs.

Capable of saying, in a sincere tone, with a straight face, “You did it for AIG and Bear Stearns, so why not me?”

Be unfamiliar with the term “income tax.”

Have the unlisted numbers of several bankruptcy lawyers.

Be familiar with nautical terms: “that sinking feeling,” “bale out,” “rats leaving a sinking ship,” “on the rocks,” “wreckage,” “take to the life rafts,” “up shit’s creek without a paddle,” so on and so forth.

Be photogenic, both for annual general reports and sheriff’s mug shots.

Panhandling experience, an asset.