Let's see...Sarah P read a speech off a teleprompter (boring), Lindsay Lohan turned down $700,000 to appear naked in Playboy!  (I wonder what they'd pay Sarah P for that.  Think about it, RNC--you could use the money.  How about Sarah P kissing Samantha Ronson?  How much would you pay for that?)  

Incidentally, my agent was once offered 70 bucks by a magazine to put his pants ON, but that's a whole different story. 

And you're right, I should tell a joke about Joe Biden posing in Playboy just to be fair...er...no...

And d'ya ever notice that when they're talking about a  Playboy article, it's always a "spread?" 

Sarah P is on a tour of battleground states (yawn), Lindsay Lohan is going to her grandfather's funeral!  Really, hasn't the guy suffered enough?  In fact, Lindsay's mom promises that the whole family will be there!  Stay down, grandpa, stay down!

Sarah P remains a Christian (typical), Lindsay Lohan is thinking about converting to Judaism!  Incidentally, one prominent rabbi, upon hearing this, has decided to convert to "something else, ANYTHING.  Let me out of here!"

Sarah P read one speech she didn't even write (nice gig), Lindsay Lohan wrote a whole bunch of well-thought-out words on her MySpace blog!

Lindsay Lohan dispelled rumors about her little sister's breast implants, Sarah P has said absolutely NOTHING about her sister's fun-pillows!  NOTHING!

Now wait just a darn minute, now that I think about it--who has more celebrity experience anyway?  Lindsay Lohan with YEARS of paparazzi-running, or Sarah P, who's been an item for what, like ten minutes?  And what about real-world experience?  Lindsay is only 22, half of Sarah P's age, and she's been to rehab 3 times already!  So how come McCain picks Sarah P over our darling Lindsay?  What's wrong with this country anyway?

And while we're on the subject, what's the Republican Party going to use for music?  Jackson Browne is suing over "Running on Empty" and Heart is demanding Sarah P not use "Barracuda" at campaign appearances anymore.  Gosh, maybe the Republicans are just going to have to find something more...recent?