RULES NOT JUST FOR KIDS

Most of us don’t like to think that we have to have rules in our relationships because for the most part rules make us feel like children, and face it we also resent feeling obligated by them.  But if we don’t like rules, it may be that we don’t fully understand their function.  Rules govern what is expected in terms of our responsibilities to each other, but they also govern our boundaries.  Max doesn’t like to talk about work during dinner, but his boundaries regarding talking about work dissipate when he and Nancy are in bed.  This is a rule, but it is an implicit rule, it was never discussed and Nancy learned when they could or couldn’t talk about work while they were dating. But that Nancy knows this about Max reduces conflict and this is the purpose of rules.  Without rules families would have to constantly navigate through daily interactions increasing the chance for misunderstandings and instability within the unit. Rules govern how we act when we are in the privacy of our homes as opposed to when we are out and amongst friends. In short, rules provide predictability. According to Philosopher David K. Lewis, rules exist to help coordinate behaviors and maximize goal attainment.  In other words, without rules our relationships would never grow and goals would never be attainable because rules provide stability. 

In the case of Max and Nancy discussing work, Max never actually told Nancy not to ask him, he simply wouldn’t open up and Nancy got the hint, but explicit rules are those that are discussed.  They exist on the surface, we can confront them, alter them or if we both agree, we can let them go.  Implicit rules can sometimes get couples and families into trouble because in some cases we aren’t even aware of them until the rule is violated, and this can cause an argument and hurt feelings.

Lederer and Jackson made the observation that random acts often turn into patterns.  In other words, we can develop rules from initial patterns or agreements.  For instance when Max began dating Nancy she always chose what dessert they would have after dinner, and five years later Nancy is still the one that chooses the dessert. Other rules develop from our family values but often the most satisfying rules come from negotiating. Lederer and Jackson developed a system for helping couples negotiate their quid pro quos.  When couples negotiate it allows both to share in the power and is often viewed as equitable because of the mutual agreement.

Some rules create stress in a relationship. Adapting to change can be difficult for any family, but rules that are no longer appropriate can cause rifts.  According to Lederer and Jackson families should pay close attention to rules that are inflexible or rules that are unspoken and where there is a prohibition of discussion because these can create conflict. Rausch and colleagues point out that:  “a rigid, impermeable structure prevents learning.” Relationships can not change and evolve if rules are inflexible and there will be a breakdown within a relationship that is unable to move in a natural a free manner.

 See how many rules exist in your relationships and share the exercise with your family, you may be surprised by your families responses, but even if not, at least more expectations are on the table for everyone to acknowledge and comment on.  Anything that can help families communicate their thoughts and feelings is usually is a good thing.

Donya Ture’-Washington