A grad student from Milwaukee with some free time to write about and make fun of politics and sports. 
By Chinese Olympic Secretary Liu Qi
Yilin Yang, just who the fuck do you think you are? Your performance during Thursday’s women’s individual all-round was not in keeping with the glorious standards established by myself, by the politburo, or by Dear Leader Mao Zedong. You not only let the round-eye American devils beat you, you have let the capitalist dogs beat the Republic. Third place? The Chinese have waited centuries for this moment and third will simply not do. Sleep well tonight knowing that you and your family shall be brutally tortured the minute all the foreigners leave.
The simple fact that the Party and our beautiful Chinese society have allowed you to live this long is an outrage. We have done everything to make you an Olympic champion. While other girls were being thrown off cliffs, smothered, or simply left in the woods for wild animals to devour, we nurtured you. Sure, some may find the idea of taking a young child from their family and forcing them into military style gymnastic training camps harsh. Yet it is the People’s will to breed greatness! How you have failed them! I see no other solution but to deliver upon you our world famous torture tactics. Remember, even the capitalist Americans have adopted some of our methods of inflicting pain. Thus, you need no lesson on the efficiency with which we will apply electrodes to your genitals.
You see Yilin, the Party has done everything to make these Olympics a symbol of our inevitable rise to hegemony. We “relocated” a million and a half people in order to build the stadiums in which athletes like you could compete. We have brutally and methodically snuffed out any protest attempts by such groups as the Falun Gong and the Tibetans. We shut down hundreds of our industrial plants to reduce what the Westerners call “smog,” a.k.a. the mist of the proletariat. We played god and manipulated the weather. We even committed atrocities against cats on a scale of Hitlerian proportions in order to clean up 
Yet that wasn’t enough for you to achieve victory, was it? At the end of the day the Chinese government is comprised of simple folks with a common goal: “To ensure domination through suppression tactics rivaling Attila the Hun.” Do you know why we have the death penalty for 86 different crimes, including tax fraud? It is for the People and for you, Yilin. We simply want what is best and we always carry the people’s common dream with us. Now get into the van along with your father and mother and let’s get this over with.
