Still Grieving for your child?
http://www.Printnpost.net/articles/6055/1/Still-Grieving-for-your-child/Page1.html
Jan Maupin
Jan Maupin is an advancing writer of social issues and interests. I am a member of ~ cafemom, changing times network, printnpost, helium, lindyslegacy.
I hold many jobs for "non-fear" of working. My husband and I both maintain full time jobs (to pay the bills), but also hold our own business selling : Scentsy, auctioneed storage units, raising and selling cattle, gardening and whatever else we may find.
By Jan Maupin
Published on 05/6/2008
One topic I've found that isn't that widespread is the "How to" of grieving for a child. Has anyone close to you lost a child? Have you? Do you know that dark, deep, endless feeling that won't go away? Do you keep thinking over and over again, "what if", and "I should of"?
Can you ever get over losing a child?
The answer to the subtitle is (unfortunately) NO!
But you can ease the pain and you can help someone with their loss. When we lose a child it's indescribable to someone else who hasn't, to explain what you are feeling, is impossible. The closest I ever came was to tell someone it's a pull between having one of your arms ripped off and someone kicking a hole in your stomach all the way up to your heart!
Let me explain. I lost my first daughter 25 years ago. She was 3 1/2 at the time, I was a young mother of 20 and pregnant with our second child. The loss was devastating to say the least, and the emotions I went through at the time between the loss and pregnancy was to say the least, close to being institutionalized. My husband and myself ended up separating also during the pregnancy, I believe during my seventh month. As they say, the loss of a child can either bring a couple closer together or split you apart. I agree in whole! We did both, we split for a time and we reconciled. But all together it was a 2 year process. Men do grieve different from women. This I also know.
So lets get on with it, my story is only to let you see that I have some experience in this subject. I am finding recently that the stages of grieving for a child is long lasting but I think it can be shortened if we look at this in a different perspective.
Do not get me wrong here, I am not saying your going to do this or know to tell someone to do this within the first couple of years or even the first year. This is crucial for that person to go through, unfortunately, but they have to go through this.
This is something they have to grasp.
And I cannot stand to hear a person, not one person that says something so STUPID to a mom in her first 6 months to one year or two years as :
"You haven't gotten over that yet"! Smack! This is from selfless, self absorbed, arrogant person (men & women) who have let something like this come out of their mouths. And their poor pathetic world is still revolving around them! This has happened, so many times. I have a few stories I have kept up with from other mothers who have lost a child and have had a few "stupid" people moments.
I was even offered dog food coupons the day of her funeral, "since we no longer had HER to feed, here are some coupons to help you feed your DOG"! Word! Real!
Deep breath here, I can get carried away.
Moms and those who know a mom, she is still a mom and always will be!
To help her is to remind her that she was so blessed to have been that child's mom. Let her cry and talk or just sit with her. Remember that all of our lives are timed here. Some are shorter than others.
We tend to constantly dwell on the death of that child that we forget what they brought to us in this world.
Their smiles, their love, how they touched every one around them. This is so great to know that we may of lost that child from our arms, but they are always with us.
We tend to try and hide the pain, to lock it up inside so it doesn't hurt anymore. Try to re-direct that pain to a smile. Think of the what that child brought to you. It may be too early for some, like I said this may have to come in time. It took me 25 years for peat sake. I don't want another Mom to go 25 years.
Our support is so minimal, we have other family and life to contend with and get on with, we slip the hurt and pain to the back of our minds and lock it up and let it peep out on occasion or if something comes up and reminds you of that child. It's alright to remember, but remember the good things, let it bring a smile to your face!
Also, FIND HELP, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP, FIND A BEST FRIEND that can be with you.
Now they tend to give up on you after a year or so, some may not, some will. Support groups will not, they will always be there. I believe a support group is good in the beginning and for a few years if you need it. But I would like to see a Mom turn this around and lean her support to another Mom who needs it. Give help where help is needed. If you needed a shoulder and an ear, you know someone else will too.
The best way to "get over it":
1. Help someone else, turn the deed.
2. Be a part of a support group, whether it is the internet, a local community, a doctor, GO!
3. Start remembering your child in the GOOD, not what you lost, what they gave you!
I have a blog I continuously work on in the Legacy of my daughter, it is not a "memorial", truthfully, I hate that. It is a guide to help moms with some facts and what to expect and some tips on how to overcome some obstacles. You can visit it at www.lindyslegacy.blogspot.com. Here you can also find some references of places I have found to help.
Bless you in your journey, the days do get brighter!
But you can ease the pain and you can help someone with their loss. When we lose a child it's indescribable to someone else who hasn't, to explain what you are feeling, is impossible. The closest I ever came was to tell someone it's a pull between having one of your arms ripped off and someone kicking a hole in your stomach all the way up to your heart!
Let me explain. I lost my first daughter 25 years ago. She was 3 1/2 at the time, I was a young mother of 20 and pregnant with our second child. The loss was devastating to say the least, and the emotions I went through at the time between the loss and pregnancy was to say the least, close to being institutionalized. My husband and myself ended up separating also during the pregnancy, I believe during my seventh month. As they say, the loss of a child can either bring a couple closer together or split you apart. I agree in whole! We did both, we split for a time and we reconciled. But all together it was a 2 year process. Men do grieve different from women. This I also know.
So lets get on with it, my story is only to let you see that I have some experience in this subject. I am finding recently that the stages of grieving for a child is long lasting but I think it can be shortened if we look at this in a different perspective.
Do not get me wrong here, I am not saying your going to do this or know to tell someone to do this within the first couple of years or even the first year. This is crucial for that person to go through, unfortunately, but they have to go through this.
This is something they have to grasp.
And I cannot stand to hear a person, not one person that says something so STUPID to a mom in her first 6 months to one year or two years as :
"You haven't gotten over that yet"! Smack! This is from selfless, self absorbed, arrogant person (men & women) who have let something like this come out of their mouths. And their poor pathetic world is still revolving around them! This has happened, so many times. I have a few stories I have kept up with from other mothers who have lost a child and have had a few "stupid" people moments.
I was even offered dog food coupons the day of her funeral, "since we no longer had HER to feed, here are some coupons to help you feed your DOG"! Word! Real!
Deep breath here, I can get carried away.
Moms and those who know a mom, she is still a mom and always will be!
To help her is to remind her that she was so blessed to have been that child's mom. Let her cry and talk or just sit with her. Remember that all of our lives are timed here. Some are shorter than others.
We tend to constantly dwell on the death of that child that we forget what they brought to us in this world.
Their smiles, their love, how they touched every one around them. This is so great to know that we may of lost that child from our arms, but they are always with us.
We tend to try and hide the pain, to lock it up inside so it doesn't hurt anymore. Try to re-direct that pain to a smile. Think of the what that child brought to you. It may be too early for some, like I said this may have to come in time. It took me 25 years for peat sake. I don't want another Mom to go 25 years.
Our support is so minimal, we have other family and life to contend with and get on with, we slip the hurt and pain to the back of our minds and lock it up and let it peep out on occasion or if something comes up and reminds you of that child. It's alright to remember, but remember the good things, let it bring a smile to your face!
Also, FIND HELP, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP, FIND A BEST FRIEND that can be with you.
Now they tend to give up on you after a year or so, some may not, some will. Support groups will not, they will always be there. I believe a support group is good in the beginning and for a few years if you need it. But I would like to see a Mom turn this around and lean her support to another Mom who needs it. Give help where help is needed. If you needed a shoulder and an ear, you know someone else will too.
The best way to "get over it":
1. Help someone else, turn the deed.
2. Be a part of a support group, whether it is the internet, a local community, a doctor, GO!
3. Start remembering your child in the GOOD, not what you lost, what they gave you!
I have a blog I continuously work on in the Legacy of my daughter, it is not a "memorial", truthfully, I hate that. It is a guide to help moms with some facts and what to expect and some tips on how to overcome some obstacles. You can visit it at www.lindyslegacy.blogspot.com. Here you can also find some references of places I have found to help.
Bless you in your journey, the days do get brighter!