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Beast Breath
- By Benjamin Watson
- Published 11/9/2007
- Bad Breath
- Unrated
Benjamin Watson
I was a creative writing major at Goddard College, and have had some short fiction published (Other Voices, McSweeney's). I am currently working on a novel, and live outside Philadelphia with my wife and mentally ill cat.
View all articles by Benjamin Watson
In the categories one can post an article for this site, one stuck out to me: "Bad Breath". All the other categories were what you'd expect: Food and Drink, Career, Movies, Celebrities, and then this odd, very specific category: Bad Breath. I was intrigued.
Hey, it's an important topic. All of us have had those days when we have that "not so fresh" feeling, and doesn't it just ruin your mojo? Every time you have a conversation with someone, you're pondering "are they thinking I'm a disgusting person who doesn't know how to give himself proper oral hygiene? Are they going to walk away and gossip about my breath to the nearest secretary?"
The worst, on these days, is the dreaded crowded elevator conversation. You are forced to be a "close talker", whether you want to be or not. You have no gum, no Altoids - you're screwed.
Then there is the flip side to this issue. Being spoken to by an offending person. I can tolerate your average not so perfect breath, which we all get from time to time. But there
are those people who have Beast Breath; the people who obviously can't be bothered with flossing; who have plaque in there from 1997, whose breath is a green miasma able to travel across a room and accost you. These people need an intervention. They need to be given a large container of extra wide floss and forced, at gunpoint if necessary, to apply it. Then they need to gargle with mouthwash, brush their teeth, and floss again. Floss! This is the key theme of this essay. Brushing is not enough. Your dentist was always right! If you floss, every day ideally, your breath will be passable at all times. If you do not, you are not participating in modern society, and should be excommunicated to your own private - though not tropical or beautiful - island, where you can live amongst your other non-flossing brethren.
That tic-tac ain't gonna cut it, brother. It's almost 2008. Floss, like soap or a shirt without stains, is a key grooming factor in being presentable. And if you never do, this might be the key to why people are inching away from you while you're talking to them. Mystery solved.
Hey, it's an important topic. All of us have had those days when we have that "not so fresh" feeling, and doesn't it just ruin your mojo? Every time you have a conversation with someone, you're pondering "are they thinking I'm a disgusting person who doesn't know how to give himself proper oral hygiene? Are they going to walk away and gossip about my breath to the nearest secretary?"
The worst, on these days, is the dreaded crowded elevator conversation. You are forced to be a "close talker", whether you want to be or not. You have no gum, no Altoids - you're screwed.
Then there is the flip side to this issue. Being spoken to by an offending person. I can tolerate your average not so perfect breath, which we all get from time to time. But there
That tic-tac ain't gonna cut it, brother. It's almost 2008. Floss, like soap or a shirt without stains, is a key grooming factor in being presentable. And if you never do, this might be the key to why people are inching away from you while you're talking to them. Mystery solved.